Oh how the time flies….

I’m still around but I’m barley surviving this heat we’ve been having.  I guess after being gone a year your body gets used to the milder climate.  The weather cooled down today and it was a mere 95.  One of the few bummers about being back in Pasadena is there are no public pools that have open swim during the day.  There are a few pools but they have limited hours (12:30-2:30) which sucks because that’s typically when Asher is getting up from his nap and having lunch.   I also miss the beautiful and spacious parks in Denver.  I can honestly say that my favorite things to do last summer was going to the pool in the afternoons and then head for a walk around Wash Park after or right before dinner.  Maybe I’m just romanticizing about being in place now that I’m gone but I did love the summer in  Denver….it’s truly amazing.  Now the winter, I can leave and not look back

Asher update: He’s been doing quite well these days. In two weeks he’ll be 11 months old.  Can you believe that?! Here’s what he’s been up to: crawling, pulling himself to a standing position, every once in a while he’s standing he’ll try and balance with one hand, had 4 teeth and another on the way, he started to growl like a monster, and occasionally waves.  He’s still breastfeeding and still refuses the bottle but at this late in the game we’ve been trying to get him to use the sippy cup for water and juice but I think he likes to chew more than sucking it. Solids are still bit of a struggle.  He’s finally letting us feed him once again (he took a 3 month break of not allowing us to spoon feed him and only wanted to feed himself). We give him yogurt and cheerios for lunch, and then some type of pureed food at dinner but that’s pretty limited since he still wants our food which is fine but he can’t quite get it in his mouth and when he does he spits it out so I’m not sure how much he’s getting.  I want to start giving him morning and afternoon snacks but he wasn’t interested in doing this.  Hopefully, he’ll start wanting more food during the day.  I’ve also started to contemplate on whether or not to reduce his feedings since that might encourage him to eat more food but maybe it wont help…I’m pretty clueless or “stuck” when it comes to all of this.  His bedtime hours are pretty good, he goes to bed around 8pm, does a feeding at 11pm and falls back to sleep until 8:30am which I’m truly grateful for since neither myself or Eric are morning people.  Although, I do find it quite funny that a few months ago we were getting up a few times a night but now that we’re used to sleeping thru the night, it gets brutal to occasionally and instantly wake up to screaming from Asher either being hungry or due to teething. 

All and all everything has being ok and I’m continually grateful and blessed to have such an amazing child, husband, friends, and a job that I truly enjoy being at.  I do occasionally miss living and being with the friends I felt connected to in Denver.  Yes, I love my friends in CA but it has been different coming back to being gone a year, and now having Asher to add into this mix.  The majority of my friends out here either have children who live far away or they are busy with their own lives or they currently don’t have any and don’t understand the nap nazi I become when it’s Asher’s nap times.  The friends I had in Denver were quality people and their children were precious as well as the same age as Asher.  I guess the grass is always greener on the other side but today I was missing my friends in CO as well as the beautiful weather.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel different and go on a rampage on how alone I felt in during our first 6 months living in CO and not being part of a team we originally had anticipated we would be a part of when moving out there.  I think I need help

Farm Hands: A Unique Approach to Urban Eating

Do you want the taste and freshness of fresh, organic homegrown vegetables and fruits, but have neither the time nor the knowledge to maintain a productive garden?

• Are you living in an apartment or condo without a yard and would like the option of receiving homegrown vegetables and fruit from your neighborhood?
• Are you interested in your very own backyard vegetable garden or signing up for a weekly box of fresh, local, and organic vegetables and fruits?

Let Farm Hands grow and maintain vegetables and fruits for you in your own yard!

Farm Hands is a company specializing in creating and maintaining yards to be not only beautiful, but useful, too. Created by a landscape architect with a passion for growing edible gardens, and maintained by knowledgeable farmers, Farm Hands installs and maintains vegetable gardens and existing fruit trees, in yards of all shapes and sizes (on a small or large scale). We consult with each client to determine the best possible set up and crops to grow, but the choice ultimately rests with each garden owner.

The process is simple: Your own “Farm Hand” will maintain your garden plot(s) on a weekly basis, using organic techniques and harvesting the produce at its peak. As the number of Farm Hands yards in your area grows, so does the option to share your produce with others in exchange for edibles not in your own plot(s). Additionally, individuals lacking yards of their own can sign up to receive a basket of vegetables each week from a local vegetable garden near their neighborhood.

Whether you are garden sponsor or a person without a yard, we offer delivery of two sizes of vegetable baskets per week:

Full Basket – $30 per week – Good for two people or a small family (approx. 11/2 grocery bags)
Half Basket – $20 per week – Good for one person (approx. 3/4 grocery bags)

Additionally, Farm Hands offers these basic services:
• Initial garden evaluation, soil testing, design, and installation
• Weekly garden follow up to keep the yard space growing and producing edibles
• Organic techniques to grow and maintain vegetables and existing fruit trees
• A weekly basket of produce from your yard and possibly others in your neighborhood
• Ongoing garden maintenance, organic disease and pest control, and networking with other farm owners in your area

For more information, or to set up an appointment, please contact Russell (LAfarmhands@gmail.com)

LA bound, here we go again…

I’m just going to cut to the chase, Eric, Asher, and I are moving back to Pasadena,CA on May 1^st.  Why do you ask? We’ve had a few donor’s drop their financial support (due to the economy) as well as the church Eric and I were working with part-time is no longer able to pay us a huge part of our monthly income we were receiving as of April 1^st (we got a 2 wks notice).   Because of this recent news we’re moving back to Pasadena since we have an amazing opportunity to have free housing for a few months. Hopefully after these next few months, we’ll know what our next steps are going to be and look like.  We are still called to raise support and Eric’s passion for a creative Arts Collective among artists is still there, but we may just have to alter a few things in order to meet our financial obligations.   

During these next few months (June-September), I will be able to increase my hours and work full time once again which will help us save money and potentially help us with our next round of fertility treatments once again.  We figure this might be the only time where we’re not paying rent and have some extra money to help pay for our treatments.  There are some people who would say we should save for a house but I would rather “try” once again. I’m not even sure if we’ll be able to have another child or be able to carry it but I at least have to try while we can and still young enough (I’ll be 36 in August). The thought of going thru fertility treatments and everything that comes along with that seems daunting and emotionally draining (especially the miscarriage part) but I have to believe another miracle could happen. And if not, I’m ok since we already have one true blessing and I don’t want to take that for granted.

In the meantime, I just have to trust that everything is going to be ok financially, spiritually, and emotionally these next few months until we figure everything out. 

Now, I just have to figure out health insurance for all three of us.  We have been denied health insurance due to Eric’s high cholesterol (currently low since taking vitorin), Asher’s acid reflux (when he was 4 months old), and my inability to have a child naturally (we’ve been denied).  I just hope we can at least get Asher covered but I’m not sure.  The Health Insurance industry SUCKS and is frustrating we get denied because of a few little things that is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. 

Asher picture updates

Until then, here are some recent pictures of Asher.  It’s been a while so there’s a few.  Asher is now getting his second tooth in…I can barely see the top. 

I thought I would start blogging once again since I feel the need to express myself and to somehow figure out where and what I’m supposed to be doing in life. There’s some news I’ll share with you, but I’m a little tired right now to write it out so maybe in the next few days I’ll be more elaborate with what’s going on with us.  I’ve give you a hint…. we’re moving once again.

My favorite….Asher learning how to play the piano

 

 

 

 

 

 

Give peas a chance…Asher did & loves them!

Asher has been starting to eat baby food for the past two weeks and it has been fun seeing him examine and make those awkward faces towards his food. He currently likes peas, sweet potatoes, pears, and apples (he’s still questioning the apples). Tomorrow we’ll be trying butternut squash that I made so that should be fun. Thanks to my friend Dayna (http://thelucasmom.wordpress.com) she gave me some advice on what foods she gave to Myka at certain stages. This has been very helpful since there’s not a wealth of information or opinions on what to give at certain stages.  These last few days I’ve started to read about Baby Lead Weaning (http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com/babyledweaning.htm) and if this is something we should try with Asher.  To be honest, I’m confused and I’m not exactly sure when to start this process.  Do I give Asher his pureed food first and then let him try to eat a slice of apple, peas, or whatever the food is?  Or do I give him a piece of steamed veggie and let him try to gum his food as much as he’s able to?  When do you actually stop the pureed food and give him pieces of food?  I know I’m probably overanalyzing everything and that’s what I typically do about everything but I just want to get my information straight before I try anything new.  I would love to see Asher eat “real food” sooner rather than later.  I don’t mind (I actually like) making our own baby food because it’s healthier and cost effective but I want Asher to start having his own independence once he’s able to.  Plus, eating normal food is so much better than pureed food…the taste is dull and boring.

If there’s anyone out there who has some opinions about all of this stuff I would love to get your insight.  In the meantime, here’s a picture of Asher eating peas.

 

 

I LOVE my peas!

ovary-z…I don’t think so

Three of my friends are in the process of trying to conceive a baby and one of them asked me which emotions I experienced while struggling with infertility for the past 6 years. She also asked me: How do you know when you’re ovulating? How does one deal with friends who are trying to help but don’t know quite what to say? And, What kinds of things help pull you thru when you are experiencing month after month of discouragement? So, not only am I going to answer her questions but I thought I would elaborate on what was really going on in my mind during those times. I figure maybe the things I had gone thru will not only have helped me grow but maybe it can help someone else not feel as lonely as I did during these painful years. I had so many friends getting pregnant by just looking at their significant others while in the meantime I was battling trying to hold it together to celebrate their joyful news. I was truly excited for them but deep down it was another prick to my soul and ended up feeling even lonelier than I did before. There were times I truly thought I was going to lose it, but thankfully I didn’t…although maybe some of you out there may disagree about that

 

Ovulation: There are a few ways to tell if you’re ovulating. You can get the ovulation predictor tests and that may help some people but that never helped me since I never ovulated on my own. Although, when I was given an ovulation trigger shot the test still did not say that I was ovulating so all that to say it may work for some people but not all. I would say the best way to tell are the physical signs 1). Cervical mucuous changes or 2). When your basal body temperature goes up (which never happened for me). This website (http://www.estronaut.com/a/ovulation_fertility.htm) can explain this more eloquently than I can. If you are a person whose periods are consistent and always on time then counting might be your best option. If all else fails- have sex every other day for a month straight and see if that works. If you have just gotten off the pill then it may take a few months or up to year to get your body on track once again which is where one of my friends is currently at. Speaking of sex, I would also encourage you that once you’re done having sex place a pillow under your hips and keep your legs against a wall or have them elevated for about 20 minutes. Supposedly this helps increase your chances or at least keep the little guys in there for a bit. Also, you may want to consider other gravity-defying positions that may hinder the little guys from swimming upstream.

 

Emotions: That’s a hard one to answer. I was on a daily emotional rollercoaster and wasn’t exactly sure how or if I ever could get off the ride even when the car had stopped. Obviously I had good days and bad ones but most of the times I felt sad, lonely, discouraged, and wondered why God was not answering my desires. This might sound trite but I believe what truly saved me during those times of depression was my faith in God. I’m not one who is super spiritual but I do believe in God and I do my best to honor and serve Him as much as I am capable of doing. During those last few months of fertility injections and not knowing if the pregnancy would be viable I had to keep trusting that God was in control and ultimately it wasn’t up to me no matter how hard I tried to control the situation. Some of you may not know this about me but I’m a control freak. I’ve actually gotten better during these last few years especially after having Asher. All of that has pretty much gone out the window because I can’t nor do I want to control Asher…he is his own person and he needs to have his own identity and not mine. I would also say that my friends were another major part in helping me get thru those rough times. They may have not known what to say (as some of them were pregnant or couldn’t imagine what I was going thru) but they were always there to listen and to be there for me if and when I would let them in. I don’t think I could have emotionally survived if they weren’t such a major part of my life and I will never forget those times of grieving and joy that I had walked thru with them. 

 

I’m not sure if any of this will help but these are some of the emotions and faith building experiences I walked through. Would I do this all over again? I’m not really sure about that one. In one sense no because it was hell and I lost about 6 years of my life going thru this. On the other hand, I don’t think I would have cherished Asher as much as I do now and my character wouldn’t have been challenged. So, ultimately, I can’t say no, but I as I remember those times it’s hard for me to say yes I would do this again. Although, I guess I am saying yes because I think we’ll start trying once again in the summer due to only having one ovary (see post below).  As you can see I have some conflict when it comes to this matter. 

 

When I start to think about this process once again it scares the hell out of me especially because I’m so far away from my long-time friends, but I guess that’s what the telephone and email is for. Maybe I’ll even find some true and authentic friendships out here….at least I hope. 

 

Demroid Tumor

Well I’m feeling better than I did last week.  It turns out that the “cyst” was actually a benign tumor (Dermoid) on my right ovary. It was growing so rapidly that the doc noticed a significant size difference between the ultrasound on Thursday and the surgery on Friday.  The tumor was the size of a small apple, so the doctor had to increase the incision in my abdomen. Additionally, it was necessary to take my right ovary, since it was effectively dead from being twisted up with the tumor.  I’m recovering slowly and experiencing a bit of pain, but the post-op pain is much better than what I experienced earlier last week.

 

What I didn’t expect were all the thoughts that are now flooding my mind.  Since now only having one ovary, what are my chances of becoming pregnant once again?  It was hard and challenging enough to get and stay pregnant but now with one ovary did the odds of getting pregnant just increase?  I’m not sure, but I’m sad to say that I think they did and once we start the fertility process again we’ll only have one ovary to work with and not two.  But as Eric and I joked around today, we like excitement and drama and it seems that there’s never a dull moment in our household (although, I’m ready for some peace).  I guess we’ll just have to cross that road once we get there which could be sooner rather than later.  Depending on where we’re at financially and in some other areas, we may start the process of fertility treatments once Asher is finished with breastfeeding (September).  I guess peace may not be in “our cards” in this upcoming year, but I’ll do my damnedest to make sure Asher doesn’t get the grunt of any of this.  

Rupturing Ovarian Cyst

I keep getting this one cyst on my right side of my body that ruptures every other month.  Today, I’m going to my OBGYN so they can do an ultrasound and see what can be done. I’m debating whether or not to get surgery and have this cyst removed.  Apparently, it’s minor surgery so that’s good.  I just want to make sure that I’m not missing anything that could potentially go wrong in the future…like jeopardizing fertility treatments.  However, I’m at a point that the pain gets so unbearable for 4 days straight that it puts me out of commission….I can barely walk around the house, hold Asher, and can’t urinate at times.  I know TMI.  The reason why I keep getting these cysts is due to PCOS which is another reason why I can’t get pregnant on my own.  Hopefully, I’ll find out some encouraging news today and if not at least I’ll get some good pain meds

Community anyone?

As some of you know I’ve been struggling with our move out to Colorado and questioning if this was the right decision for us.  I vacillate between knowing that this is where we’re supposed to be for a short time and letting Eric do what he needs to do ministry-wise and during this time I’m “forced” to grow and find who I really am as a person…which isn’t so bad.  Then there’s that other part of me that can see myself sinking into a deep depression if I don’t watch these feelings.  I think what saves me from these emotions is Asher.  He’s such a wonderful blessing and there’s so much to be thankful and joyful for this beautiful child.  But I still hard time meeting and connecting with people.  When you go from living in one state your entire life and having solids friendship that mean the world to you to a place that feels so overwhelming and not know where to start is so overwhelming.  I’ve tried the mom’s groups and meeting people for coffee but it’s hard starting over emotionally.  What makes a friendship grow is time and history with one another.  I just don’t know if I want to put in the time here and keep feeling the way I do.  It’s not fair to me, to Asher, and most importantly to my marriage.  These past few months have been extremely difficult for Eric and I and I don’t thinks it’s worth loosing my best friend over it.  So, my question to you is “What exactly is community and what does it mean to you, personally?”

I’m hoping that somehow things will change for us in the next few months. 

Asher is 5 months old

It’s been a crazy, joy filled, and amazing 5 months and this is only the beginning.  I’m continually thankful and feel blessed for this little boy on a daily basis.  I just pray that as I raise Asher he will grow up to a man who is filled with joy, love, peace, and the sweet spirit of Jesus. 

Here’s an update on Asher: He still has acid reflux and is continually taking previcid.  We’re not sure when we’ll take him off but I’m sure at the next doctor’s visit (6 month immunizations) Dr. Jody will let us know when it’s time. 

We just started giving Asher rice cereal but I’m not quite sure he likes the stuff.  He just looks at us like we’re crazy since we’re trying to motivate him by cheering or making funny faces every time the spoon goes in his mouth.  He must think we’re idiots, but I guess I would as well.  I’m not quite sure what the next steps are when it comes to giving Asher new foods, but I just bought this book (Super Baby foods) so I’m hoping this will help me out.  I’ve been debating whether or not to make my own baby food (if it’s cheaper) or to buy organic baby food but I think I will do a little bit of both since I may not have time to make a ton of meals.  Although the idea of making of my baby food not only intrigues me, but I think it’s the healthiest ways to eat…especially these days.   And for all my friends that know me, they will attest that I typically like homemade only and I’m a little bit of a food snob which of course Asher will inherit that great quality of mine    I guess I just need to do some reading on this subject since I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. 

Asher has been doing amazing well these days.  We just bought a bouncer and he loves it.  He’s on the small side of using this but we thought it would be financially wise to buy one item instead of two- an exersaucer (which he can use now) and then a bouncer later on.  He’s still getting used to all the gadgets and doesn’t quite know how to place his feet, but he’ll get there and when he does he’s going to go crazy since he’s already excited about the thing. 

Eric and I noticed that Asher is an extreme extrovert.  He loves being around people and does not want to be left out.  There were a few times when we were in LA (for a month) during Asher’s eating time, he would refuse to eat if that meant he could not “hang out” with everyone.  Yes, this sounds weird especially since he’s only five months old but it’s true.  There were a few times he would skip his meals due to being in another room while he was eating and being able to hear people out in the other room.  I personally think this is a great quality trait but this also has its downfalls. Meaning he will not let me breastfeed him in public.  I typically have to breastfeed him in a quite room and I’m not allowed to talk on the phone or to other people otherwise he freaks out.  At times it’s quite amusing but it’s also a pain in the rear because I always have to time my outings in order to be home before his next feeding.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he’s still on his bottle strike for the past two months.  He still will not take a pacifier or a bottle.  Every few days Eric will try to give Asher the bottle and once that nipple goes in his month he acts like we’re killing him…hates the bottle.  We’ve even tried buying those expensive Adiri bottles ($14 per bottle) and he’s not having it.  But I can’t complain because he’s an amazingly joyful and sweet baby and I’m blessed by his mere presence. 

I better go for now since I can just go on and on about Asher.  Instead, I’ll leave you with a few of my recent favorite pictures of Asher. 

Hope & Blessings

A year ago, I was a month and half pregnant and not really wanting to believe this was happening again (being pregnant that is).  I was still recovering from multiple failed pregnancies, infertility drugs, getting ready to have surgery in February, and the possibility of going thru my first round of IVF, I just started to cry.  As I thought about the past six years and all we’d been through, there was a small part of me that was hopeful that maybe this could be the one that could make it thru. Two months prior (December) we decided to try one more time, I had come to terms with the idea that in order for us to be parents, we would be adopting. No longer would I be dealing with infertility, I could stop researching, consulting, worrying, and feeling depressed. I could stop having procedure after procedure that always led to the same conclusion, “we just don’t know, not for sure.” I would never again have to hear, “there’s no heartbeat.” Instead I would be becoming a mother; we would finally be parents, sometime soon.  Don’t get me wrong this past year was extremely difficult in not knowing what my next steps were going to look like, to be one of the first patient’s trying this new idea of taking blood thinners (Lovenox) in order to keep a baby, never quite feeling this baby could make it to the end, and on top of all of this moving out of state (3 months before my due date) to embark on a new adventure (which I’m still having a hard time with).  But somehow I managed to trust God and finally let myself to fully let go and let God be.  It wasn’t easy but it was a daily experience and reminder for me to truly seek and have faith in something that I couldn’t control.  As of result of fervent prayers from friends and family, Asher Ericson entered into this world and my life has not been the same since.   

 

Perhaps now I will be a little less skeptical, a little more forgiving, when people discuss miracles since I can’t help but think that I have been blessed by one.

 

My hope is that not only will I cherish what God has blessed me with, but to cherish the past experiences and what I’ve learned.

Becoming a mom after infertility

Becoming a mother is one of the greatest and scariest things I could I ever imagine it could be.  With everything we’ve gone thru these past 6 years (infertility, miscarriages, and major tests) and now finally having this opportunity to raise this child means even more to me than I have imagined.  During my pregnancy there were times where I was uncomfortable and wish I could walk around, be more active, and not take those damn shots because they hurt and left terrible bruises (which I finally have gotten rid of them as of last week). I never wanted to verbally complain because I had received this blessing. I wouldn’t trade any of these experiences and would do it all over again if I was able to have another child.  When you are infertile and you would love to have more children (3 or 4–which will likely NOT happen) you know that all the wonderful things that are happening may be the last time you’ll experience these things. 

I love the way Asher smells, the way he tries to nestles into my neck after his nightly feeding, the way he throws his arms up in the air (startle reflex), how he kicks his feet when he’s excited, the amazing way he smiles, and how he loves going to the changing table to get his diaper changed…he actually has fun! 

A friend of mine once said that infertility means different parenting too. It means knowing that Asher may very likely never have a sibling.  Even though I struggle with this concept I am not naive enough to think we’ll have another child.  It took a lot of money, pain, sacrifice, and time to get Asher which I would do it iall over again if we were able.  I think our biggest hurdle is the financial factor since we used our entire savings.  I know if we were meant to have another child we would somehow find the money to do this once again and I do believe that God is in control.  But there’s the realist side of me (Eric says the pessimistic side) that wonders how could we afford this.  I work part-time from home at a job I love, but with the economy I’m just waiting for my job to end due to staffing issues and the numerous vacancies we currently have.  Eric and I still raise support but with the economy in a crisis we’re now having our donors drop their support because they just can’t afford to give another year…which is totally understandable.  So, when I say that we might not have another child these are the reasons why, but I still have that hope that maybe I’ll be surprised by God’s provision…you never know.  I also don’t want to become obsessed in trying to have another child and loose sight on Asher.  As I care for Asher on a daily basis, I see the constant changes (noticing his hands and placing them in his mouth, trying to grasp onto things, and trying to laugh but just not quite there) it’s absolutely amazing to me to have these opportunities to witness these milestone events.  He is a miracle and I’m thankful for Asher regardless where we end up with our journey of infertility.

I am still here…

I will soon post on what’s been going on with me as well as Asher.  It’s been a crazy few months (Asher having acid reflux and finding the right medication for him).  As well as for myself for being truly blessed with this child, but also having feelings of depression of not being able to share these precious moments with friends who’ve walked with us during these last six years of infertility.

See you in a few days and have a happy Thanksgiving!

August 30, 2008

This is the day that a miracle and a blessing occurred in my life at 12:09AM. Asher Ericson Herron made his appearance and I have never felt such as overwhelming of God’s presence in my life that I have that day. It has been quite a journey getting to this point in life that I will never forget nor do I ever want to dismiss. I don’t think I would appreciate the gift of life that I have been so blessed to receive.

Asher’s Birth Day~

Since I was taking Lovenox we had to plan the day that my water would break since I could bleed extensively otherwise. We decided on Friday, August 29 my water would be broken since my due date was for September 3, 2008 and they didn’t want to take any chances since I was already 1cm dilated. On Wednesday, August 28 I took my last injection of Lovenox in hopes that this would be cleared out of my system before Friday. That actually felt weird knowing that I would no longer take injections. I have gone thru 2 years of taking injections either for fertility purposes or just keep the pregnancy going.

Friday, 8/29 at 7:30AM: We went to the Hospital to get settled in and fill out the remaining paperwork.

8:30AM- Dr Forschner explained the entire process and proceeded to break my water (simple and painless procedure).

11:00AM- I was still not progressing in my contractions so they started to give me pitocin to help induce contractions.

2:00PM- Contractions were getting stronger

5:00PM- I lost “my lunch” so to speak and contractions were in full effect (every 3 minutes)

7:00PM- Epidural time

7:30PM- Still trying to get the needle in my back. The anesthesiologist had to insert the needle twice since I was bleeding quite a bit (my blood was still to thin)

8:00PM- Epidural is taking effect (they gave me the lowest dose)

8:45- Epidural is loosing its effect

10:00PM- The anesthesiologist comes back and places a manual drip that I have control over (Thank You). I got a little happy with the control button since I was in pretty bad pain.

10:30PM- Dr. Forschner comes in and let’s me know that the time has come for me to start pushing. Oh Crap…it’s going to hurt!

10:30-12:09AM- it was pretty hard for me to feel anything but I just concentrated on the feeling of pushing down there.

During this time Asher’s head was about 2 inches outside while the rest of his head and body was “stuck” in the birth canal for a bit. Eventually at 12:09 he made his appearance. The rest of the night (morning) were spent taking care of Asher (cutting the cord, getting measurements, bowel movement, and Eric learning how to wash Asher) while I was getting stitched up (tore 2 inches) and trying to gain the feeling of my legs again. It took about 3 hours for me to start feeling my legs. The nurses tried having me walk earlier to the bathroom (they require you to urinate before you can lave the birthing room) but as they helped me stand on my feet….I instantly fell. Finally at 3:30AM I was able to walk and Eric and I were moved to the maternity wing where we spent 1 night (Saturday).

On Sunday, 8/31 Asher was circumcised in the morning and that afternoon we went home…which was the scariest thing I had to face. During this time in the hospital I started relying on the nurses to help me “be a mom” since I had no idea what I was doing. During pregnancy I never ended up reading any parenting books because I was still expecting something was going to happen to Asher during birth that I couldn’t bring myself to read any books.

These days and weeks following Asher’s birth has been a growing experience for me in many ways and I feel that I’m constantly growing and at the same time I feel like I’m always failing. I know it gets easier or at least your confidence builds up as the days passes by but there’s still a part of me that is scared something is going to happen to Asher and I wont have any idea on how to make everything ok…I guess that’s my controlling nature kicking in. At any rate, I’ll stop with this long post but I wanted to give you all an update of what has occurred during these past 3 weeks. I’ve included a picture below of Asher….ENJOY!

Even As A Weaned Child

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But no, Lord, no, that never shall be; rather,
I pray Thee, blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee, hush the hurrying, eager longing;
I pray Thee, soothe the pangs of keen desire;
See in my quiet places wishes thronging;
Forbid them, Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure;
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry, content my Well-beloved’s leisure-
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.

Amy Carmichael

Here’s an update (37wks)

Eric and I went to the doctor last week and Asher was still in the breech position.  We talked with the doctor about the two options we have on whether to manually ‘turn him’ and see if he stays in this position or to do a c-section.  Eric and I decided that if we can manually turn him then we’ll give it a try.  However, we also found out that due to my uterus being Bicornuate (heart shaped) they will have to determine if they can “turn him” safely without Asher going into stress.  If he goes into stress then they would deliver him right on the spot.  Luckily, due to all my fertility stuff I have an x-ray from a procedure I had done last year to determine if my tubes are cleared which also takes a picture of your uterus.  I gave these x-rays to the doctor and we were to come back this past Thursday.

 

Thursday, 8/14~

Our doctor came into the room and asked how everything was going.  We said fine and that Asher was moving around quite a bit these past few days….it felt as if his arm was stuck underneath him and he was finally able to pull it out. The doctor said that he looked at my x-rays and before we talk our options let’s see if he turned on his own.  As we were doing the ultrasound we were all in amazement in what we saw…he turned on his own.  Asher was in the correct position for delivery.  Both Eric and I could tell that our doctor was relieved.  He said this is good news and we don’t have to “talk” about the other options which ended up being only one. Apparently, my uterus is so divided that it would not be safe to try and manually turn him. So, that left us with one option only and that is to do a c-section.   Our doctor said there was a good chance that Asher could turn once again since he’s pretty active but if he can just stay in the one position he’ll eventually get “stuck” due to the size and weight he’ll gain and would not be able to flip back around. So, we’re praying he’ll just stay.  

 

Saturday, 8/16~

I think Asher flipped once again and he’s breech.  I feel him go from side to side…like how he was before.  There are times when one side of stomach gets really large (like a basketball) and then all of a sudden he’ll move to the other side.  I’m bummed about this for many reasons, but I’m keeping my hopes up because maybe he’ll turn once again. 

 

To be honest, after everything we’ve gone thru these 5 years in our fertility journey….I’m just thankful that Asher is moving around and he’s still there.  To me, that’s the most important thing.  I don’t want to complain or be sad about not having the opportunity to experience a natural child birth.  I just feel lucky and blessed that I am having this child at all…which there are times I still freak out and wonder if something could still go wrong.  So, if I end up having the opportunity of having a natural child birth…that’s great and if not that’s ok to because the bottom line is at then end it doesn’t matter how you gave birth as long as Asher is well and alive that’s all it matters to me.

 

Now another discussion for Eric and I to figure out the Lovenox and Heprin switch over…..this is getting more complicated but we won’t know anything until Wednesday when we talk with our general doctor.  Both my OB and General Doctor have different opinions when it comes to switching to Heprin or not.   

How it was

Tonight, I came across this blog post below and it’s the most beautifully written but yet awful experience one has to go thru when trying to conceive. All I can do is lift up prayers to this person since there are no words that can heal or express one’s sorrow.

read her story here:  http://fromutopia.com/?p=3313

33 weeks & still going

Eric and I just got back from the doctor this afternoon. Asher’s measurements are where they should be and so far he’s doing fine. He’s still breach but we have about 4 more weeks for him to move before we need to figure out what the next steps are going to be. Hopefully he’ll turn around on his own, but if not then we might have a procedure done (37wks) where they will ‘manually’ turn him around. At that time, they will more than likely induce labor so he wont become breach once again. However, we still have a few more weeks before anything happens.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll need to do some ‘positioning exercises’ that will help Asher turn. I’m just glad he’s doing alright

Lovenox

I just got a call this morning from my doctor (James Wilk) and he wants me to increase my Lovenox injections. Last week, I did a routine anticoagulant test and my results came back today.  Apparently, my homocystine levels are low so my injections have been increased from (40mg) twice a day to (60mg) twice a day.  Yippee….more bruising on my legs.  All joking aside, I’m glad he’s on top of everything and has me doing blood work every two weeks to ensure my levels are where they should be at.  Next week, I get another blood test (7 days after increase) to see if this increase has worked.  If my levels are where they should be, then I go back in three weeks to talk with Dr. Wilk about switching from Lovenox to Heprin.   I guess this is common to switch medications after 35wks just incase I go into labor early or if I end up getting a C-Section. 

 

So, in the meantime I’ll just keep trusting the doctor’s and go from there.

 

 

 

it’s all foreign to me

These past few weeks I have been taking a French class to “reacquaint” myself with French. Why do you ask, ideally I would like Eric and I to teach Asher French. Whoa, this class is freaking hard!

I take this class every Thursday morning (9-11) at a French Institute (http://www.afdenver.org) and English is NOT spoken. By getting fully immersed into the language like this I would typically say that’s how you’ll learn, but as I sit in class with a blank look on my face, I’m realizing that I lost all my bearings and it’s like starting to speak all over again. So, now I have a new plan…..Asher and I will be learning to talk French at the same time