Becoming a mother is one of the greatest and scariest things I could I ever imagine it could be. With everything we’ve gone thru these past 6 years (infertility, miscarriages, and major tests) and now finally having this opportunity to raise this child means even more to me than I have imagined. During my pregnancy there were times where I was uncomfortable and wish I could walk around, be more active, and not take those damn shots because they hurt and left terrible bruises (which I finally have gotten rid of them as of last week). I never wanted to verbally complain because I had received this blessing. I wouldn’t trade any of these experiences and would do it all over again if I was able to have another child. When you are infertile and you would love to have more children (3 or 4–which will likely NOT happen) you know that all the wonderful things that are happening may be the last time you’ll experience these things.
I love the way Asher smells, the way he tries to nestles into my neck after his nightly feeding, the way he throws his arms up in the air (startle reflex), how he kicks his feet when he’s excited, the amazing way he smiles, and how he loves going to the changing table to get his diaper changed…he actually has fun!
A friend of mine once said that infertility means different parenting too. It means knowing that Asher may very likely never have a sibling. Even though I struggle with this concept I am not naive enough to think we’ll have another child. It took a lot of money, pain, sacrifice, and time to get Asher which I would do it iall over again if we were able. I think our biggest hurdle is the financial factor since we used our entire savings. I know if we were meant to have another child we would somehow find the money to do this once again and I do believe that God is in control. But there’s the realist side of me (Eric says the pessimistic side) that wonders how could we afford this. I work part-time from home at a job I love, but with the economy I’m just waiting for my job to end due to staffing issues and the numerous vacancies we currently have. Eric and I still raise support but with the economy in a crisis we’re now having our donors drop their support because they just can’t afford to give another year…which is totally understandable. So, when I say that we might not have another child these are the reasons why, but I still have that hope that maybe I’ll be surprised by God’s provision…you never know. I also don’t want to become obsessed in trying to have another child and loose sight on Asher. As I care for Asher on a daily basis, I see the constant changes (noticing his hands and placing them in his mouth, trying to grasp onto things, and trying to laugh but just not quite there) it’s absolutely amazing to me to have these opportunities to witness these milestone events. He is a miracle and I’m thankful for Asher regardless where we end up with our journey of infertility.
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Yours is a very different journey from mine. Reading this post is very humbling to me. Your child is a much sought after gift. I so don’t understand infertility. I don’t understand why it seems that this blessing is held back or whatever. And miscarriage is another baffling one to me. After 3 losses of our own, I really struggle with the pain and loss that happens there. I feel so inadequate to offer my comments here, but know that you have touched me with your words.
Nathalie, I can’t remember who gave me your blog, but I just found it again! Congratulations on Asher – he is beautiful! What a joy, I am SO happy for you guys – my eyes were full of tears as I read your blog. I’m so glad your long road has had a happy ending. Here is our blog – keep in touch! http://www.thedrezfamily.blogspot.com/
Thank you for sharing from your heart. So excited for you and Eric and the joy Asher brings. I know you guys have sacrificed a lot and for it you have been blessed. Continue to be blessed my friend. Love you!