As some of you know I’ve been struggling with our move out to Colorado and questioning if this was the right decision for us. I vacillate between knowing that this is where we’re supposed to be for a short time and letting Eric do what he needs to do ministry-wise and during this time I’m “forced” to grow and find who I really am as a person…which isn’t so bad. Then there’s that other part of me that can see myself sinking into a deep depression if I don’t watch these feelings. I think what saves me from these emotions is Asher. He’s such a wonderful blessing and there’s so much to be thankful and joyful for this beautiful child. But I still hard time meeting and connecting with people. When you go from living in one state your entire life and having solids friendship that mean the world to you to a place that feels so overwhelming and not know where to start is so overwhelming. I’ve tried the mom’s groups and meeting people for coffee but it’s hard starting over emotionally. What makes a friendship grow is time and history with one another. I just don’t know if I want to put in the time here and keep feeling the way I do. It’s not fair to me, to Asher, and most importantly to my marriage. These past few months have been extremely difficult for Eric and I and I don’t thinks it’s worth loosing my best friend over it. So, my question to you is “What exactly is community and what does it mean to you, personally?”
I’m hoping that somehow things will change for us in the next few months.
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Oh, hon. I feel so guilty because I would really love to just hang out with you, but the schedule of life gets in my way. True community is hard because it does take time. There’s an intimacy that has to be grown into. It can’t be forced.
Starting over is hard. I’ve been there a few times and it’s not an easy thing. I feel more at peace here after 6 years than I did in the Bay area, but my family, my husband and kids, are more a part of my community. I don’t know any easy answers, but I do agree that your relationships with Eric and Asher have to be the priority. How do you find peace with where you are right now? I can’t answer that for you.
i know it’s hard friend…my mother in law, who was an army wife and moved a ton, always told me it would take at least a year to feel comfortable and at home in a new place…so my only advice is hang in there! i know it’s hard to go outside of your comfort zones and put yourself out there…but you are a fantastic friend, people need what you have to offer, so don’t hold back too much!
love ya and miss you! and we’re hoping to come to denver soon for a visit!!
I’ve had long seasons feeling exactly the way you do. When I moved to Chicago. I never really felt settled there.
When I moved to Arrowhead. I never became part of a community there.
So, I don’t have an answer I guess….
What I realized in Arrowhead, though, is that the burn, this need for community, this deep drive, isn’t something that has to be a net negative. In that burn, that horrendous feeling, is a drive to push towards understanding ourselves, our real need and contribution to community.
It’s a fast of sorts. Letting go, not because it’s bad stuff, but because it’s a struggle that pushes us deeper towards God, in our desperation to understand and find comfort.
Know too, that God is truly with you, with you and Eric and Asher. So many have prayed for community where you’re at, so trust that God is certainly working. He’s working not just in your family and ministry. He’s also working in all three of you as you wrestle with the realities of the frustration and darkness, each of you having to discover hope within all of it. Which is easy when all is well and good and easy, but not so easy when all is frustrating.
What I learned (which isn’t to say what you’re learning) is that there were no answers for a long while. And I had to deal with it. I had to feel all I felt, and still find my way to light and hope. God was still calling me towards him. And I was mature enough to begin to walk, even if that meant a lot of stumbling on the way.
God is asking you to be his. I don’t know why things haven’t found peace there for you. But that doesn’t change the fact that God is with you, calling you as much as he is calling Eric, albeit in a different way, and calling you both together in your different experiences to help you both see and share.
I don’t understand why I had so many ‘lost’ years either. But I know that such years shaped my thinking, and shaped my freedom in a way that transforms my every step now.
You’re in a wilderness. God’s promises often take us into the heart of such places in order to get us to where we’re supposed to be.
An Asher, it sounds like, is your manna.
I’m continuing to pray for each of you.