Three of my friends are in the process of trying to conceive a baby and one of them asked me which emotions I experienced while struggling with infertility for the past 6 years. She also asked me: How do you know when you’re ovulating? How does one deal with friends who are trying to help but don’t know quite what to say? And, What kinds of things help pull you thru when you are experiencing month after month of discouragement? So, not only am I going to answer her questions but I thought I would elaborate on what was really going on in my mind during those times. I figure maybe the things I had gone thru will not only have helped me grow but maybe it can help someone else not feel as lonely as I did during these painful years. I had so many friends getting pregnant by just looking at their significant others while in the meantime I was battling trying to hold it together to celebrate their joyful news. I was truly excited for them but deep down it was another prick to my soul and ended up feeling even lonelier than I did before. There were times I truly thought I was going to lose it, but thankfully I didn’t…although maybe some of you out there may disagree about that 
Ovulation: There are a few ways to tell if you’re ovulating. You can get the ovulation predictor tests and that may help some people but that never helped me since I never ovulated on my own. Although, when I was given an ovulation trigger shot the test still did not say that I was ovulating so all that to say it may work for some people but not all. I would say the best way to tell are the physical signs 1). Cervical mucuous changes or 2). When your basal body temperature goes up (which never happened for me). This website (http://www.estronaut.com/a/ovulation_fertility.htm) can explain this more eloquently than I can. If you are a person whose periods are consistent and always on time then counting might be your best option. If all else fails- have sex every other day for a month straight and see if that works. If you have just gotten off the pill then it may take a few months or up to year to get your body on track once again which is where one of my friends is currently at. Speaking of sex, I would also encourage you that once you’re done having sex place a pillow under your hips and keep your legs against a wall or have them elevated for about 20 minutes. Supposedly this helps increase your chances or at least keep the little guys in there for a bit. Also, you may want to consider other gravity-defying positions that may hinder the little guys from swimming upstream.
Emotions: That’s a hard one to answer. I was on a daily emotional rollercoaster and wasn’t exactly sure how or if I ever could get off the ride even when the car had stopped. Obviously I had good days and bad ones but most of the times I felt sad, lonely, discouraged, and wondered why God was not answering my desires. This might sound trite but I believe what truly saved me during those times of depression was my faith in God. I’m not one who is super spiritual but I do believe in God and I do my best to honor and serve Him as much as I am capable of doing. During those last few months of fertility injections and not knowing if the pregnancy would be viable I had to keep trusting that God was in control and ultimately it wasn’t up to me no matter how hard I tried to control the situation. Some of you may not know this about me but I’m a control freak. I’ve actually gotten better during these last few years especially after having Asher. All of that has pretty much gone out the window because I can’t nor do I want to control Asher…he is his own person and he needs to have his own identity and not mine. I would also say that my friends were another major part in helping me get thru those rough times. They may have not known what to say (as some of them were pregnant or couldn’t imagine what I was going thru) but they were always there to listen and to be there for me if and when I would let them in. I don’t think I could have emotionally survived if they weren’t such a major part of my life and I will never forget those times of grieving and joy that I had walked thru with them.
I’m not sure if any of this will help but these are some of the emotions and faith building experiences I walked through. Would I do this all over again? I’m not really sure about that one. In one sense no because it was hell and I lost about 6 years of my life going thru this. On the other hand, I don’t think I would have cherished Asher as much as I do now and my character wouldn’t have been challenged. So, ultimately, I can’t say no, but I as I remember those times it’s hard for me to say yes I would do this again. Although, I guess I am saying yes because I think we’ll start trying once again in the summer due to only having one ovary (see post below). As you can see I have some conflict when it comes to this matter.
When I start to think about this process once again it scares the hell out of me especially because I’m so far away from my long-time friends, but I guess that’s what the telephone and email is for. Maybe I’ll even find some true and authentic friendships out here….at least I hope.
Filed under: Conceive, Infertility, Miscarriages, Pregnancy
